Thursday, February 5, 2009

Coons Invade The White House Grounds, National Park Service Unable To Catch Them So Far


What? You were expecting something else? Sorry to disappoint, but these are the FOUR-LEGGED variety

A small band of raccoons has broken into the secure White House grounds and has evaded capture by agents of the new Obama administration, according to a Washington Post story dated February 5th, 2009. Other stories by the Washington City Paper and AndersonCooper360. Inevitably, a discussion thread was started on Stormfront.

The National Park Service (NPS) is pursuing one very large raccoon and several medium-sized raccoons which have been spotted roaming the grounds around the Executive Mansion and the West Wing. "The idea of raccoons on the White House grounds give us great pause," spokesman Bill Burton said.


So far, the raccoons have evaded capture despite the presence of several live traps which are essentially cages with a one-way doors to keep the animals inside. The traps are baited with apples, cat food and peanut butter, Burton said, but so far to little avail. [Ed. Note: One person posting a comment to the story said he caught raccoons in his home town by baiting his trap with KFC. Seriously.]

None of the raccoons have been seen in the past week, but officials said they still searching for the animals. If the animals are captured the National Park Service will release them, unharmed, into an unspecified ghetto wooded area.

Tim McDowell, a raccoon-trapper with 15 years of experience in the Washington area, says the National Park Service is probably using the wrong cages or the wrong bait. "See, their cages probably don't smell right," McDowell explained. "They probably don't have the smell of other raccoons on 'em." McDowell has already removed birds that were flying inside the U.S. Capitol, but he says that he's always dreamed of catching a raccoon on the White House grounds.

McDowell also speculates that it’s a single mom with an adolescent litter in tow and she may be about to shoo her pups out of her life. “She has to run them off. If there’s a male in the litter he will kill and eat her new litter,” he says. “If I was to come out there and do an inspection, I’d find out where they’re breaching. You got to find the path from the denning areas to the food areas.”

McDowell is not surprised that the White House grounds have raccoons. They’re all over D.C. — McDowell says there are 90 raccoons per square mile. And this probably isn’t the first time the president’s address has had a problem. Prior to the open-book Obama era, however, “this was all hush-hush stuff,” McDowell says, concluding: “This raccoon story is going to be big.”

Normally, McDowell charges $195 for the setup fee plus $50 for each raccoon caught. But if asked, he said he would trap the raccoons for free.

3 comments:

Mike Licht said...

When the masked raiders are caught, interrogators should give those varmints a good grilling.

See http://notionscapital.wordpress.com/2009/02/05/masked-raiders-infiltrate-white-house/

RC said...

What the hell is wrong with you? If you can't leave racism behind please remove your links to Utah and especially the LDS Church. People might associate your offensive racist humor with the state and the LDS faith. Expatriate or not, you are causing damage you lack the power to undo.

Anonymous said...

They can't use KFC, they might catch the "wrong" coons:)